Thursday, December 01, 2005
Frustration. Where do I vent it out? I have no idea. Talking to people does seem to cure it a bit, but it doesn't really last that long. I write everything here. Whatever that I feel. It helps eases the pain, only just a little. But it's better than nothing I guess. I really want to keep the friendship, but I don't know what else should I really do other than just apologizing. It's difficult. It's suffocating. It's tiring. It's painful. I don't know where have I gone wrong or whatever is it anymore. No one told me anything until things happen. I was kept in the dark. I was supposed to know everything. Am I a genius or what? I don't know. I have doubts in myself. Why am I working that hard? Why am I so unhappy? Why am I feeling so guilty? Why are there so many negative feelings inside me that's waiting to be burst out? I feel like crying every minute when I recall back what a friend has told me. Is it really what my friend told me is true? Or part of it is true? Or none of it is true? Or is it people see me the way that they shouldn't be seeing? I don't know any of these anymore. Running away isn't the choice that I really want. I don't want to take all the blame when I am not sure where have I done wrong. I want to be sure of things. I want to clarify things. But how? I really have no idea. People say do some talking to those who are involve. I guess so. But how far can it help me? Or how much can it destroy me? I have really, really no idea anymore. They say I analyze too much, worry too much and think too much. Some say it's good, some say it's bad. I don't know. I want to have friends, friends that are true. But, I guess I won't get them. Not here.