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Beauty Up My Life

Saturday, May 22, 2010

i just wanted to smile

1.30am. so quiet. the world is sleeping, perhaps part of it aren't. well, i'm one of those, who aren't lying on the bed, dreaming of wonderful things or worst still, getting nightmares.

it is at time like this, i like to listen to a really soft song, doesn't matter if i keep that song in a loop, but just, a song, quiet enough to be played in the middle of the night. currently i love CN Blue's soft tunes. there's something about teardrops in the rain which i really love. heck that's the 1st song CN Blue made me fell in love with, and till now, even with quite a few mini albums on hand, it's still my favourite song. granted, the song wasn't sang by oppa fully, only just a bit, but there's something about the song, some weird charm, that made me love it so much. i suppose, deep inside me, for softer tunes, jonghyun-ssi's voice, is much more soothing. whenever i need a soft song, for me to think quietly, for me to de-stress, it is always the no. 1 i go back to. mian-ne oppa, but i think you'd understand.

lately the mind has been in a chaotic mess. and i haven't really found the time to sort it out. i wonder since when, i lost my dreams. lost myself in the pile of work, slaving away. i never wanted work to be a burden to me. i never wanted to work just for the sake of money. i never wanted a life, that was all about money, and i lose my dreams, in the pursuit of more money.

and i thought with work, i'd be able to be more like my previous sassy self, because i'd need to interact with more people, forcing me to go back into what i was before. but before i know it, i'd retreat into my inner shell faster than ever. i didn't want to meet new people. i'm now even more afraid of strangers. i'd say no to any invitations if i barely know anyone there. i'd stay home, and go no where. heck, i know more people online than in real life now. heck, how many people now known me by my real name and not my online name? how many of them? not many, i'd say. but it was a choice i made. or rather, made unknowingly.

perhaps my low self esteem kicked in. i'm not doing as well as everyone thought i would. i'm just average. just... not happy. when everyone is smiling so happily and all, and me, sitting at a corner, watching, envying. i'd try not to mind, but it's so hard you know. so damn hard that in the end i'd rather not see anyone so that i don't feel sore, i don't feel the pinch. i am nothing but a cowardly coward.

actually. i just wanted to smile.

a smile that's so wide, it comes straight from the heart.

and a smile so happy, that the smile never ends.


Jad [Alt] Kaizer said...

Then it's time to re-establish yourself by asking what was your dream.

You mentioned you worked because you thought you'd be able to trigger that sassy self of yours by meeting up with people, but it seems to be backfiring. Apparently the workload you are having is sort of dragging down that aspect of yours i.e. you can only deal with people properly when your work is 'presentable'.

You aren't just average, it's just that your environment is suppressing you from spreading your wings fully. Your skills are needed elsewhere, and I believe that you will be happy if there's actually anyone who appreciates your effort.

Well, if you think you can't really smile, think again - how many of us are forcing ourselves to put that smile up our face while doing something that we are forced to do?

Don't be too envious about people who seem too carefree about it - at least you were worried that you are, because you remember that this is not who you are and you are trying to find yourself back. :)

coolboy said...

this post is really interesting nice post