despite my WMP is playing upbeat music, loud and clear, but heck, i don't feel any of it's positivity flowing into me. i just want some soft music. music that makes you feel like crying.
actually i want to cry. but god damn tears so stubborn, it won't come out. maybe i need to use some music or weird thoughts to make it come out. maybe then i'll feel better.
but really by crying, will my woes go away? is it by crying, you'd appear right in front of me, telling me, this isn't a dream, it's all real, and you have been by my side all these while? is it by crying, all that i ever wanted would come to me, and i'll live happily ever after?
fairy tale just doesn't happen. it didn't happen to me, no matter how much i wanted it, how hard i try to achieve it. in the end, my heart goes all broken and i spend god knows how long trying to fix them. day after day, weeks after weeks, months after months, years after years. how hard it is for me to forgive and forget.in the end i give up. i stay with what i have now. even though i know, it isn't not good enough. it isn't whole enough to give it entirely to someone else. what i have now is shards of what remained. would that be enough for the rest of our lives? i don't know.
how many nights, i cry myself to sleep. telling myself, it'll be okay. i just need to get through this phase, another day waits for me. how many days, i keep finding myself crying over and over again, because what i wanted never happen. it never came true. i lost faith. how many nights i try to drown myself in happy thoughts, but then, how many of them, are happy? so many sour and angry bits, i forgot what happy thoughts really is. were the thoughts and everything i thought were happy, is really happy? or was it just the surface? in the end, it's still a big black hole.
i'm still trying to fix myself, despite the big bright smile you see. you know, i never was a happy child. being crazy being nonchalant, is my way of telling myself i can still take it. i can still swallow whatever that is unhappy, and still show everyone that smiley face.
and i thought, i wasn't a hypocrite. heh.