i need to regain my calmness. my zen.
so i don't strangle myself to death just because of work.
october has been sucky, i had like mad effing issues everyday to deal with. 2 months of zen, gone. Where has it gone to? i need it back, like desperately. i don't want to lose my temper, or lose self control again, just because it's work.
somehow. eat pray love came by. there's something about Julia Roberts, the one thing she said in the trailer "i used to have this appetite for my life... and it's just gone..." It reminded me, the one who I used to be. When I was so keen with everything and everyone in life, all of a sudden, don't know when, i shut everything out and live a mundane life. i didn't know what was wrong. neither i bothered. i thought it was okay.
it was until i started working. i noticed i wasn't as happy, as bright, as cheery as before. i hated each and everyday. i couldn't love my job as much as i thought i would/ wanted to. there was nothing to be happy about. to love. or whatsoever. to the point i just drown myself in a shopaholic attitude and thought by making physical compensations to myself, i'd feel better.
2 years down the road.
completely a waste.
each and everyday i'd be a zombie, and zoom through the days. how healthy can it be when you hate your work, the minute you wakeup you wish it's a public holiday/ weekend/ on sick leave and the moment you step into the office, you start counting down to 6pm/ public holidays/ weekend/ leave. and when you go to bed, you hope for a miracle you don't have to work tomorrow. i deal with it everyday. and i just tell myself, people can do it, why not you.
and my other self tell me, why people can love their job and be happy, why can't you.
and truth to be told, i got no motivation. i don't know where am i heading to.
when i was younger, i had dreams. dreams that took me to where i had wanted to 6 years ago. and then my dreams shattered. and i haven't found any other dreams since then. i have been living like this for so long, and i think it's time that i change.
maybe, i love myself the wrong way.
i focused on the short term happiness money gave me, but i forgotten deep down inside, things haven't changed. and eat pray love came and reminded me, it's time to do a bit of soul searching. of course, i can't be like Liz, take a year off and go to different places. But I guess i can do a bit by giving myself time during the weekends, but I still don't know what to do then.
But I guess that's okay. it's just my "me" time, i can take as long as i want right?
loving olivia's fly me to the moon. and i think i should indulge in good reads. and good soft music.