The Real & The Dreamy

that bitter painful feeling

2012-01-26T11:32:00.001+08:00

sometimes i wish saying goodbye is easy.

although i know that's just wishful thinking.

so many things right inside of me, and i just don't feel like blurting it out.

no one to tell to, and the people i talk to just gives me the most generic answer ever.

in the end, i face it alone.

i try not to let things show on my face.

i try to swallow that bitter feeling inside of me.

i try to smile and be happy and fingers crossed that i will eventually forget the things that pains me.

but you know, life is weird in a way that it doesn't happen the way you want to.

and so... you know where i am going. :)

it's painful and it still hurts, but life gotta move on.

and i doing my best to move on.

i still don't know.

2011-11-24T20:03:00.001+08:00

at the end of the day, it all boils down to what you want.

what you really want.

deep inside of you.

no one can tell you what's right what's wrong.

you make the judgement.

right or wrong, it's yours to take.

the responsibility. the good. the bad. everything.

and i still don't know what is it exactly that i want.

growing up sucks.

and i hate making decisions.

crossroad

2011-11-23T21:32:00.001+08:00

stuck in a crossroad.

unsure which road to take.

still pondering.

still thinking.

i still haven't made up my mine.

am so worried that the choice i made is just wrong.

we wonder if it's right.

2011-11-16T12:06:00.001+08:00

sometimes we wonder is that the right decision we have made.

sometimes we tell ourselves that it IS the right decision.

sometimes we tell ourselves even if it isn't the right decision, you have made it, so be it. live with it.

and sometimes, there's this sharp feeling inside of you telling you "Honey, this is the best decision you have ever made in your entire life."

and hey, i'm experiencing that today itself!

starting anew. before the year ends.

2011-11-14T12:25:00.001+08:00

ever since 4th Nov, my heart gets lighter and lighter. i don't even feel like touching anything anymore, i just want to let it rot, let it die on it's own. i just don't freaking care.

like i have always said, don't care, don't bother, not my problem.

because i have already let go and it's time for others to take over.

be it the stress or the flexibility.

the countdown is so exciting that i actually can wakeup everyday with a smile and tell myself, it's gonna be over soon. so why so gloomy?

my diet plan is running, although it always get ~~sabotage~~ ruined in a way or another. but that's okay, the whole thing is still running!

trying to update the wardrobe. have been too lazy for too long now it's so hard to kick myself in the ass and get new stuff. and the new stuff don't fit me 'cause i was too lazy to move. you get my drift.

moving away from where i am now. to a better location. nearer to rlb/rob. heh.

re-think my whole finance plan because i don't want to end up being poor in my twilight years.

and before the year end hits, i am starting anew.

*fingers crossed*

what are we working for?

2011-10-10T11:54:00.001+08:00

i don't work for passion anymore.

i don't work for money anymore.

i work, just because everyone wants me to work.

what the hell am i working for?

black white grey

2011-07-07T17:38:00.000+08:00

black is white.

white is black.

grey is black and white.

live in a grey zone.

till the end of time.

it's a circle.

2011-06-30T14:56:00.000+08:00

it's a circle i'll never be able to step into, no matter how much i want to.

i guess, it's a circle that's not meant for everyone.

not for me.

i belong to that half circle, so incomplete.

lies and nothing but lies

2011-06-28T10:42:00.000+08:00

when all that we were told to believe were lies, wouldn't it also be a lie too that the lies were lies?

what's to believe now?

may flew and june came

2011-06-06T13:33:00.000+08:00

nothing to say about may, except that it flew by.

and june, heck, let's talk about it when june ends k?

jeez, when's the next holiday?

we know too much

2011-04-14T13:33:00.000+08:00

sometimes we try not to be bothered with people's perception, but more often than not, we bother with it too much than what we can handle.

and thus we get heartbroken. we get sad. we get furious. we get angry.

truth is, you'll never please everyone around you.

and you dig you own grave by knowing too much.

and that's what i learnt from work today.

bless my soul for the years of working to come.

2.41am ramblings

2011-02-05T02:42:00.000+08:00

As usual, I whine about Chinese New Year.

Never a fan of family gatherings, and the chats that comes along with it. It's not my style and I dislike entertaining people, if I don't feel like it. Whether it's family or not. But most of the time, I had to. Just because I want to please my dad.

Afterall, I can irritate my dad within the next 364 days without guilt! :D

Yes, I am that evil. So sue me.

It's a little quiet this year. Maybe the younger cousins are all growing up. So attached to their laptops/ PSPs/ and whatever tech stuff, they just ignore you. To me, that's okay. Just don't come crying to me wanting to play when I give you a firm no, because I want to watch TV or do my reading. Sorry, I am not your mommy.

At times, I don't mind taking care of the kids, if I feel like it, or if I click with the kids. But most of the times, I would really prefer that they leave me alone. I just don't want to shout at them saying their parents didn't teach them any manners! Really, kids this days, are really really lacking in manners, to the point, I just treat them like adults and see if they like it. They dare to whine about it, giving me lame excuses like "i'm just a kid", I will give them a bloody good lecture and see if they want to talk stupid nonsense to me like that.

Again you kiddo, I am not your mom. Just your older cousin sister. I have no responsibilities to make sure you are happy and not wailing all the time. If you want someone to please you 24/7, please go to your parents. Am bloody sure they would be cursing behind your back and you won't even know it until the day they die. Or maybe when you turn 16.

My dad pleases me, I pleases him. Works both ways. Can't have things going your way all the time. The more you want me to play with you, the more I won't. Because I am idiot just like that. Unless you look awfully cute with a really really nice character, I'll play. :D

Good to know Chinese New Year celebrations in the family is getting more and more quiet, I'm just happy the way it is going now. It's great to see everyone once a year, but let's try not to be too buddy buddy with each other when you know you are not, aye?

Wonder if next year would there be any changes?

For one, I'll be older. Tee hee.

happy chinese new year!

2011-01-31T17:15:00.000+08:00

just want to say Happy Chinese New Year before I go missing again.

yeah whatever.

i'm just glad to have a few days off and can be bloody sure no idiots will come a-calling.

and again.

i really don't fancy Chinese New Year despite being a Chinese myself.

just not into it :)

don't bash me because that's how I feel.

merry christmas with some bitterness

2010-12-23T21:39:00.000+08:00

maybe it's christmas, i'm feeling... just a tad bitter.

maybe a tad bitter is an understatement.

because, i think i am bitter. about everything that's happening.

i don't think i am blaming anyone or anything, neither i blame myself, it's so not justifiable to blame myself because i did try to make things work, but maybe not enough, but well, things happen.

anyway, about this bitterness i am feeling.

maybe it is really because it's christmas, and I don't feel the hype, the cheerfulness, the merriness or the happy vibe. work has been crazy, it's so crazy that i just can't believe it's year end, like come on, everyone's out partying or relaxing, while i am slogging, how awesome is that?

drats. i am blaming someone/ something now for the bitterness i am feeling.

oh ho ho ho. how contradicted.

and there i thought to myself, i am not one to do that.

it's a year end where i don't feel happy, cheerful, or anything positive. at least now when i am in my room, typing this entry, that's how i feel. maybe solitude is something i should always avoid if i don't want to feel so negative. but you know, i love being alone, when it's cold and rainy, and i have the whole space to my own.

you see, that's how contradicted i am.

well, merry christmas and a happy new year to all of you :)

fridays are disastrous

2010-11-26T15:25:00.000+08:00

fridays are actually disastrous.

super duper disastrous.

i guess, you need to get rid of the bad before you can taste the sweet sweet scent of a lazy weekend.

hm.

i guess.

thank you and i love you

2010-11-25T09:57:00.000+08:00

i know i have people who cares about me. and love me for who i am. despite how ugly/idiotic/horrible i am.

thank you.

you know, i love you too.

though you may never know about it until the day you/ me die.

tee hee.

numbness + ramblings

2010-11-24T18:05:00.000+08:00

drained. to the core.

not sure what am i feeling.

maybe just numbness.

it saddens me when i have put in my best effort, i get shit all the time.

and others who doesn't even deserve what they have, they get everything.

i know life's not fair. i know, i don't need you to tell me twice.

but really, since when the equation hard work = rewards is true?

the equation has failed me so many times i am just lost for words.

sometimes i just gulp everything down and tell myself not to cry because there's hope. don't lose hope, you'll be ok.

but really, i think i don't even have tears now. all dry now. like sahara desert.

i lost hope and faith in almost everything. i don't even find shopping is fun anymore. i don't find dramas/ animes as amusing anymore. i don't want to play any music or listen to any music as it irritates the hell outta me. even if it's by my favourite CN Blue. Sorry oppa, but I think I am having withdrawal symptoms. Especially towards you.

i don't even know why am i so bothered about what i feel right now. because i shouldn't be. i should just be like everyone, put on a false front, pretend everything's ok everyone's friends with everyone and the whole world is like a merry go round, happy and gay.

i told myself not to care, yet i think i still do. and very much so.

am not sure again what i really want. i really hate thinking. i really hate you two face people. i really hate it when you judge me. i really hate it when you show that you are high and mighty when you said we are all on the same ground. why do you keep bullshitting everyday? aren't you tired of it?

really, why is it so hard for me, to allow a world like this to be around? Why must it be so hard for me to accept it? Sometimes I feel like i am born in the wrong world. I couldn't adapt myself to it, after so many years, and I doubt I could ever do so ever.

sometimes i'd think to myself, am i even mentally sane?

ramblings of a sleep deprived zombie

2010-11-09T10:36:00.000+08:00

currently sleep deprived.

i can barely open my eyes.

weekend doing labour work has taken it's toll on me.

not complaining. just saying it out loud.

afterall, it's a place i can call my own, though it isn't entirely mine to be exact.

am zombified.

therefore i am rambling.

pray everything ends soon!

regaining zen!

2010-11-04T17:41:00.002+08:00

i am so regaining all my zen this month.

my BIG month.

don't care what you think.

but this month, i am the princess. i am the queen.

love me or hate me.

i don't care.

the need of zen

2010-10-15T13:59:00.000+08:00

i need to regain my calmness. my zen.

so i don't strangle myself to death just because of work.

october has been sucky, i had like mad effing issues everyday to deal with. 2 months of zen, gone. Where has it gone to? i need it back, like desperately. i don't want to lose my temper, or lose self control again, just because it's work.

somehow. eat pray love came by. there's something about Julia Roberts, the one thing she said in the trailer "i used to have this appetite for my life... and it's just gone..." It reminded me, the one who I used to be. When I was so keen with everything and everyone in life, all of a sudden, don't know when, i shut everything out and live a mundane life. i didn't know what was wrong. neither i bothered. i thought it was okay.

it was until i started working. i noticed i wasn't as happy, as bright, as cheery as before. i hated each and everyday. i couldn't love my job as much as i thought i would/ wanted to. there was nothing to be happy about. to love. or whatsoever. to the point i just drown myself in a shopaholic attitude and thought by making physical compensations to myself, i'd feel better.

2 years down the road.

completely a waste.

each and everyday i'd be a zombie, and zoom through the days. how healthy can it be when you hate your work, the minute you wakeup you wish it's a public holiday/ weekend/ on sick leave and the moment you step into the office, you start counting down to 6pm/ public holidays/ weekend/ leave. and when you go to bed, you hope for a miracle you don't have to work tomorrow. i deal with it everyday. and i just tell myself, people can do it, why not you.

and my other self tell me, why people can love their job and be happy, why can't you.

and truth to be told, i got no motivation. i don't know where am i heading to.

when i was younger, i had dreams. dreams that took me to where i had wanted to 6 years ago. and then my dreams shattered. and i haven't found any other dreams since then. i have been living like this for so long, and i think it's time that i change.

maybe, i love myself the wrong way.

i focused on the short term happiness money gave me, but i forgotten deep down inside, things haven't changed. and eat pray love came and reminded me, it's time to do a bit of soul searching. of course, i can't be like Liz, take a year off and go to different places. But I guess i can do a bit by giving myself time during the weekends, but I still don't know what to do then.

But I guess that's okay. it's just my "me" time, i can take as long as i want right?

loving olivia's fly me to the moon. and i think i should indulge in good reads. and good soft music.

i'm an anti social, but am i?

2010-10-02T01:10:00.000+08:00

i think i am one lucky girl. though i know, in real life, i won't admit it because i am just too proud to say so. so i am a snob, i am proud, but i think i am still am an okay person.

i am lucky, despite being heavily flawed, i have friends. i know, not many, but i think it's enough to last me a lifetime. i don't ask for more, for someone who doesn't put enough effort in making and keeping friends, to have a few, is good enough. at least to me that is.

i enjoy my solitude, i also enjoy people's company, but of course at my whims and fancy. i'll never entertain you if i don't feel that we could click, and i'll never ditch you (if you so happen to be in the list which i consider is a keeper) unless you betrayed me or wronged me.

if you see me being angry, being sarcastic being very human and usually accompanied with temper flying around, congrats, you have made it into my keeper list. if you see me nothing but just another girl who smiles and being very nice and polite, most probably it'll be the same way forever, unless something happens and somehow you went into the keeper's list. but you can be kicked out from the keeper's list, if i find you not befitting. but usually, it's pretty hard to get in rather than to get out.

so bitch, look, i am not an anti social like what you said before. i am just picky with friends. i am not a social butterfly, so i don't really bother with people i know i'll never get along. i prefer to stick to people i know whom i can depend on, is being sincere and honest, rather getting close to a fakey 2 face bitch like you. it waste my time and effort, it even waste my emotions on you, for you will never see my true self because you are so blinded by your own falseness, you can't appreciate flaws that makes each us of human and different from each other.

so bitch, look. thanks for all the bitchiness drama which is pretty enjoyable. but if you got time to bitch, why not just concentrate on your work, maybe even do your own freelance job? afterall, it's what you do best. own job give to the juniors, freelance do it yourself. woah, double income!

bitch. you're such a bitch.

demotivated

2010-09-14T11:06:00.000+08:00

crappy wet morning. i really wish i could sleep in.

and oh god, i don't know why am i so demotivated to work.

no motivation at all.

most probably i slept too much. OR i had too much holidays.

but wait, i love holidays. so there ain't anything as too much of it?

oh well, i never love work anyway.

at the right moment

2010-09-09T16:18:00.000+08:00

learning to give up at the right time, instead of pushing myself further at the wrong time.

i feel so much at ease right now.

life isn't that hard when you learn to let go.

but only if you do it at the right moment.

time to kick back and relax.

i don't care no more

2010-08-18T11:44:00.000+08:00

here comes another email from you. this and that. honestly i just want to laugh at it, and say no more. because it is useless doing so. i will just continue doing what i do, and when time is right, it will be me bidding you goodbye.

i don't really know why am i staying, maybe because i hate the change and i am actually comfortable right now. but truth is, i know sooner or later, it's time for me to go. expectations on me are high and i don't think i can live up to it. i never ask for much, just a simple life, is it that difficult to attain?

words. emails. sarcasm. honestly i really don't care anyway. yeah, i am pissed. so what difference does it make? it isn't like by complaining you'll listen and then things will work out. never once it did. so after a bit of thinking, i told myself, i'll just do what i need to do and tune everything else out. i can't be perfect and neither can you be one.

and oh, before telling me i should be doing this doing that changing this and changing that, really, please do go and think about the way you act and talk before telling me what exactly should i do, because that's what you should be doing too.

really, i don't care anyway.

i feel

2010-08-11T15:09:00.000+08:00

i feel used.

i feel cheated.

i feel humiliated.

i feel anger.

i feel rage.

i feel like just killing you.

p/s: if i feel like it, i might update what actually happen.

miss my pariahs

2010-08-02T14:39:00.002+08:00

i actually miss my pariahs.

i really love you two.

can we work together someday again? and ensure juniors won't get bully?

please, pretty please?

be strong and stay strong

2010-08-02T14:30:00.000+08:00

all i want now is be strong. live through the toughest day and still be able to smile.

i know i got people around me who cares. even though it's just a tiny bit.

i try not to lose hope and faith and just go on being strong.

i can cry. i can laugh. i can get angry. i can get sad. and at least by that, i know i am living.

not just some dead corpse.

at least it still show signs of me that i still care for a lot of things and people.

no matter how much i deny it.

i try not to hate life so much and try to enjoy it a bit more.

life's short.

hopefully, i can walk through the limited days of mine with a big big smile.

it was a gentle breeze

2010-06-29T16:35:00.000+08:00

i didn't know him, until last year. and that was when he swept my feet away. i had a feeling that it would never last, and yes, it didn't. i was heartbroken, but then, i moved on because i know there would be better things and better people out the for me.

and it was again last year, i met him. for some reason, he was so similar to the other him. that warm smile. that warmth and kindness in their eyes. it felt so much the same, and i was thinking, did i fell in love with the same guy again? i had my doubts. and i had a feeling that it's going to be another heart breaking session.

but it was so hard to take my eyes off him. he had this vibe. this charisma. they were similar, but weren't quite the same. with him, it's was like spring. gentle spring breeze, fresh yet warm. the world became so colourful. summer never felt the same again. and even if it were to be autumn and then winter, i knew i would be warm and cozy.

with the other him, it was like autumn. a little bit cold, a little bit far away, but there was something about him that made me feel autumn could be warm, instead of chilly. but still, he felt quite far away at times. sometimes he was so detached, that i felt like i didn't know him anymore. and it become the snowy season.

and as time goes by, i found out they were both so different.

i had love the gentle vibe around the other him, always so thoughtful, always so kind, always so calm, in a way he's prince-ly. could someone ever be this perfect? or was it he did because he had to? an image to keep perhaps? am not sure if this is the real him. but somehow, i love the him who is always dorky, who always show the real him and you know that's real because i said so. lol. i'm a scorpio. i trust my 6th sense more than anyone else. :D anyway, he may not be prince-ly, but he felt so much more real than the other him. that he really exist, with his flaws.

was i in for another heartbreak? i think so. but as of now, i love the melting moments i had, going dizzy over his smile, his smirk, his wink and his charismatic performance. i could see he really loved those moments. and i am so glad he did. i only pray for his success and his happiness. there's nothing more rewarding than to see his smile, over and over again.

maybe in time to come, i'll be heart broken. but as long i treasure the moments now, it's enough, isn't it?

for now, i'll just continue to love him.

and no, though i love him but it's hard to swallow the fact about the other woman. sorry, but it's just me.

to the other him, thank you for everything. perhaps someday, i'll be smitten again. but for now, you are taking a backseat. :)

huzzah to the boy who stole my heart completely, just like how joe did. i hope we last as long as me and joe did.

for my ahpa...

2010-06-20T00:17:00.000+08:00

so it was ahpa's day. treated him to a simple thai meal. i think he enjoys it. yet i think he feels a little weird and sad.

his girls are all grown up. working. living on their own. they can now pay for themselves. don't need daddy as much as before.

even the past few weeks, when i didn't go home, he actually grumbled at my sisters. telling them your jie jie don't want to come home already. big girl already. got her own life. so sour. so disappointed. i didn't think he would think this way, as i always have the habit of not going home for a while, and then drop by every now and then. it just struck me, my daddy, is being a kid. he'd sulk if i don't see him often enough, because our days are short, and i was always the one being the glue-y kind, sticking to him like mad.

time flies. my ahpa, isn't growing any younger. each time i think of him, being far far away from me, won't be there when i call for him, i always end up crying. is there any way, of avoiding death? i am actually scared... of not having ahpa with me till i grow old... till i die...

fixing myself

2010-06-08T00:08:00.000+08:00

i'm emo.

despite my WMP is playing upbeat music, loud and clear, but heck, i don't feel any of it's positivity flowing into me. i just want some soft music. music that makes you feel like crying.

okay.

actually i want to cry. but god damn tears so stubborn, it won't come out. maybe i need to use some music or weird thoughts to make it come out. maybe then i'll feel better.

but really by crying, will my woes go away? is it by crying, you'd appear right in front of me, telling me, this isn't a dream, it's all real, and you have been by my side all these while? is it by crying, all that i ever wanted would come to me, and i'll live happily ever after?

fairy tale just doesn't happen. it didn't happen to me, no matter how much i wanted it, how hard i try to achieve it. in the end, my heart goes all broken and i spend god knows how long trying to fix them. day after day, weeks after weeks, months after months, years after years. how hard it is for me to forgive and forget.in the end i give up. i stay with what i have now. even though i know, it isn't not good enough. it isn't whole enough to give it entirely to someone else. what i have now is shards of what remained. would that be enough for the rest of our lives? i don't know.

how many nights, i cry myself to sleep. telling myself, it'll be okay. i just need to get through this phase, another day waits for me. how many days, i keep finding myself crying over and over again, because what i wanted never happen. it never came true. i lost faith. how many nights i try to drown myself in happy thoughts, but then, how many of them, are happy? so many sour and angry bits, i forgot what happy thoughts really is. were the thoughts and everything i thought were happy, is really happy? or was it just the surface? in the end, it's still a big black hole.

i'm still trying to fix myself, despite the big bright smile you see. you know, i never was a happy child. being crazy being nonchalant, is my way of telling myself i can still take it. i can still swallow whatever that is unhappy, and still show everyone that smiley face.

and i thought, i wasn't a hypocrite. heh.

discovery on a sunday

2010-06-06T23:13:00.000+08:00

i suddenly feel so envious, for those who have their dad around with them.

i suddenly rediscover my love for yui's voice.

i suddenly notice one could dance but not sing, but the other could sing/perform but can't dance, and yeah, both have killer smiles that melts me in an instant.

i suddenly notice my behaviour change that i go out on saturdays and stay home on sundays.

i suddenly notice that i actually got this weird habit, of collecting things/ stuff i like.

i suddenly notice i could listen to the same song over and over again. and not getting tired of it.

well, i guess, if i like/ love it enough, why not yeah?

i'll regret my actions later. :)

effing mad

2010-05-25T23:43:00.000+08:00

super pissed at the moment. even oppa's voice can't cheer me up nor cool me down. in fact news about him sick and needing surgery is making things even worse. UGH.

in an effing mad rage right now. so damn biased. so damn unfair to me.

pissed at myself for being an idiot.

pissed at myself for not doing better.

pissed at myself for allowing this to happen.

no more. enough. no more.

no more of this crap. i deserve something better.

argh.

i don't want to cool down!

i just wanted to smile

2010-05-22T02:00:00.000+08:00

1.30am. so quiet. the world is sleeping, perhaps part of it aren't. well, i'm one of those, who aren't lying on the bed, dreaming of wonderful things or worst still, getting nightmares.

it is at time like this, i like to listen to a really soft song, doesn't matter if i keep that song in a loop, but just, a song, quiet enough to be played in the middle of the night. currently i love CN Blue's soft tunes. there's something about teardrops in the rain which i really love. heck that's the 1st song CN Blue made me fell in love with, and till now, even with quite a few mini albums on hand, it's still my favourite song. granted, the song wasn't sang by oppa fully, only just a bit, but there's something about the song, some weird charm, that made me love it so much. i suppose, deep inside me, for softer tunes, jonghyun-ssi's voice, is much more soothing. whenever i need a soft song, for me to think quietly, for me to de-stress, it is always the no. 1 i go back to. mian-ne oppa, but i think you'd understand.

lately the mind has been in a chaotic mess. and i haven't really found the time to sort it out. i wonder since when, i lost my dreams. lost myself in the pile of work, slaving away. i never wanted work to be a burden to me. i never wanted to work just for the sake of money. i never wanted a life, that was all about money, and i lose my dreams, in the pursuit of more money.

and i thought with work, i'd be able to be more like my previous sassy self, because i'd need to interact with more people, forcing me to go back into what i was before. but before i know it, i'd retreat into my inner shell faster than ever. i didn't want to meet new people. i'm now even more afraid of strangers. i'd say no to any invitations if i barely know anyone there. i'd stay home, and go no where. heck, i know more people online than in real life now. heck, how many people now known me by my real name and not my online name? how many of them? not many, i'd say. but it was a choice i made. or rather, made unknowingly.

perhaps my low self esteem kicked in. i'm not doing as well as everyone thought i would. i'm just average. just... not happy. when everyone is smiling so happily and all, and me, sitting at a corner, watching, envying. i'd try not to mind, but it's so hard you know. so damn hard that in the end i'd rather not see anyone so that i don't feel sore, i don't feel the pinch. i am nothing but a cowardly coward.

actually. i just wanted to smile.

a smile that's so wide, it comes straight from the heart.

and a smile so happy, that the smile never ends.

cleaning up, decluttering, awesome.

2010-05-17T13:08:00.001+08:00

feel so much better, cleaning up the blog.

too much junk, lying around.

hated the background, though i love it so much before. maybe i grew out of it, and decided, minimalistic design, is still my best friend. <3

i clean away all the unwanted stuff, went back to the most basic stuff i ever needed. and that's that.

much happier. if only life could be de-cluttered just like this... easy as a pea.

wondering if i should take down twitter and plurk too?

ah, i'll let it be there. decided to reinstall my shoutbox also. so spam all you want.

not that i am that much of an anti-social, oui? maybe in the online world i'm not, in real life... ergh... not sure :)

such funny feeling

2010-05-11T22:00:00.002+08:00

as i grow older, i think i become more critical. more abusive. more stubborn. more... negative.

i hardly see that happy twinkle in my eye, without that dreadful sign of weariness.

i hardly feel genuinely happy anymore, without dreading the next bad thing to come.

it's a funny feeling i am feeling right now.

i just don't know what to describe.

am i just being an idiot?

or maybe i am just overly sensitive, indecisive that lead to this mental fatigue?

or maybe this emotion fatigue?

where i don't feel the spirit or the energy to go on anymore...

growing hard is hard... but growing up happily is even harder...

i became a living robot

2010-05-04T13:42:00.003+08:00

sometimes i just don't know what i did to deserve all this crap.

was i that bad as a human to deserve this?

how come idiots get better life than me?

how come those who never ever work hard gets better life than me?

why? why? why?

why is it so unfair?

i do my best, push my hardest and yet you want more.

everyday you are sucking my life out of me.

draining me. physically. emotionally.

why do i have to go through this?

why must i?

don't you know greediness kills everything?

i hate waking up each morning. to get ready for work. and everyday i just wish time goes by faster and it's 6pm. and everyday i wish weekend would come sooner.

i dread the way i live right now. i don't know myself. my passion. my dreams anymore.

what used to be me, left me. right when i step foot into this society.

and i hate that.

so now what?

i became just another living robot.

cinderella

2010-03-25T22:09:00.002+08:00

at night.

i sit down. relax. think.

clear my mind.

tell myself it'll be another day.

all i need to do is get through it.

once 6pm comes.

my ordeal is gone.

cinderella yes? i think.

in a way.

cinderella lives happily ever after (or so the story says)

wonder if mine would be the same?

i'm trying

2010-03-23T17:14:00.001+08:00

i try to free my mind from anger.

i try to make my mind feel free.

i try to feel at ease.

try to feel happy.

try to put a smile on my face.

while i manage the day away.

i try very hard.

i do try.

please don't make me give up.

please don't.

calm-balmy day

2010-03-15T09:55:00.004+08:00

more often than not, i wake up in the morning, wishing for the day to be smooth. free of crazy emails, free from weird phone calls, free from angry customers and bosses and suppliers.

i can just do my work peacefully. quietly. enjoy a few laughs with my colleagues. i don't need to cringe the moment the phone ring, the moment i got a new email in.

but this type of calm-balmy day is oh-so-rare.

really. i wish for a calm-balmy day everyday.

all i really want

2010-03-06T13:48:00.003+08:00

i think i need to find a balance between life and work.

more often that not, i feel unhappy about work.

it isn't because work isn't treating me well, it's because i am being stubborn and can't let go.

certain things i don't really need to get mad or angry, it's such a small matter but i made it BIG.

so big i got angry and really feel like running away.

and if i did, maybe... i'll regret it.

i hate letting work ruling my emotions and then taking it out on the 1 person. not fair to him. but i got so much anger and bitterness that i just don't know what to do.

retail therapy doesn't help anymore. i'd be happy in a while, and then, i'd be in depression again when i talk about work and other things.

i need a REAL solution. instead of hiding and running.

all i really want is... to be happy.

i like being like this

2010-02-23T16:15:00.002+08:00

sometimes i really don't know what i really want. i mean, i thought i knew but then i don't really know.

i'm lucky my parents never really made me do things i don't want to do (they did, but i was way too stubborn, so they gave up on me?) *shudders*

i wasn't the best-est daughter, cause i got another 2 more which personality wise i think the adults adore them while hating mine, performance wise they are brilliant and over achiever while i am just working like a slave, or whatever it is. hence, i got no place at home.

i think even my uncles and aunts look down on me. i don't seem to care, but i think i do. i loathe them detest them hate them until i don't want to look at them. i think i will not invite them to my wedding. eat shit you people who judge me just cause i am not as brilliant. or maybe i am brilliant, but you idiots couldn't see.

but being such an idiot like me who won't bow down to your standards, i suppose either you love my guts or hate my guts, which i think Asians would hate more than love. haha. i love being a little rebellious cause i ain't gonna bow to you just cause you're older!

older doesn't mean you're wiser.

i've got a very good example which i shall not talk about it here.

haha.

where did i get my rebellious streak? maybe it runs in the family.

i like being angry

2010-02-08T21:22:00.003+08:00

there are days when i just feel like screaming, because my day started with a big shit.

and there are days when i just feel like smiling, because my thoughts were clear and nothing was bothering me.

but more often than not, i'd end up screaming and yelling almost everyday. especially workdays.

don't i get tired from being angry all the time? i do, honestly. why don't i just close one eye and hope the day passes off peacefully? i want to, honestly. why can't i just be like some people, who pushes their work over to you, hoping you can work it out (when actually they can do it themselves)?

because, i'm just not like that.

i get angry and pissed because i still believe you can do so much better. i still have a bit of hope that you can be better. if i couldn't be bothered, that's because i don't care. and you know how it's like when i don't care. i simply give up and let you die. DIE YOU IDIOT, DIE!

i can't just shut an eye and pray everything goes well because it just won't. flowers don't bloom if you don't work for it, although we can always pray for a miracle to happen, but hello, you aren't living in a fantasy world. miracles don't happen just like that, it happens when you had worked hard enough.

and work. well, if it's my job, i'll do it. but please don't be an idiot and make me do shit. not fair to me. not fair to you. why are you getting paid for something you don't work on? not fair right? well, at least for me I get some experience. LOL. but i really prefer a better pay. I am that materialistic. :P

but in the end, i still scream and sigh and cringe everyday. it's not that i'm not happy, just...

well, i like being angry.

i thought

2010-01-21T00:04:00.003+08:00

i thought i had someone.

but clearly, there wasn't anyone.

where are you, when i needed you?

haven't you heard me calling for you?

i'm sorry

2010-01-20T23:51:00.001+08:00

i said i am sorry.

i feel really bad.

i cried.

though not to my heart's content.

but i did.

what did i do so wrong to deserve this disappointment from you?

what i did back wasn't enough?

wasn't good enough?

i'm sorry.

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T13:08:00.002+08:00

okie, last post of the year!

happy new year peeps!

:D

am just so happy finally it's my turn for a HALF DAY!

MY TURN!!!!

yayness!

holidays!

2009-12-17T16:15:00.003+08:00

holiday holiday holiday holiday holiday.

my head's nothing but holidays.

no, i don't ignore my work. mind you.

doesn't mean i'm online = i am not working.

so bloody wrong.

what was it. ya. holidays!

need i say more?

crap. i didn't do any shopping. and neither i bother with my beauty blog.

oops.

holidays. bloggers need their holidays too. :D

Who's Your BFF?

2009-12-08T19:07:00.002+08:00

if you can only pick one best friend out of the gazillion people in this world, who would you pick?

okay. ~~mind effing pinky/ kepo~~ ex boss will ask me this...

How can you just choose without knowing all the gazillion people in this world? Would that be fair? Besides, you make no sense... bla bla bla etc etc etc

Oops. Why am I even thinking about them?

Anyway.

My pick you ask?

I think... no one else...

But...

ME and ME ALONE.

I am a vain pot and I am my best-est friend!

Didn't you know I don't believe in "we are best friends forever shit?"

You say you don't?

Clearly, you wouldn't want to pick me as the only BFF because I am such a selfish arrogant proud vain snobbish person.

Neither I want to pick you either.

You're too superficial. Too judgmental.

Do you even know who am I?

Who I am really am?

So.

No one but me qualifies as my own BEST FRIEND.

Bahahahahaha.

I love monologues!

i am a year older

2009-11-24T10:55:00.002+08:00

i am a year older, but i don't feel any wiser.

i am a year older, but i don't feel any richer.

i am a year older, but i don't feel any prettier.

i am a year older, but i don't feel any happier.

sigh.

recently the emotion has been going on a rollercoaster ride, and it's seriously affecting my sleep.

no wonder.

i am a year older, and i feel stressed out than ever!

what to give up

2009-11-04T13:24:00.002+08:00

we only have 24 hours a day.

8 hours or more has been given to work.

another 8 or lesser has been given to sleep.

we have another 8 hours (ideally) to ourselves.

and this 8 hours we share with our friends, our family, our pets, hobbies or whatever it is.

the 'really' me time, i guess is pretty much non-existent.

i would give up a few things just for the extra 'me' time.

i would give up on my hobbies. i would stop blogging. i would stop writing bout makeup or doing FOTDs or anything beauty related. i would stop shopping. cut down on meeting friends. cut down on seeing my family (not because i don't love them, it's the travelling that tires me very much) and thank god for no pets.

and still, i think i don't have enough time to savour eye candy yong hwa darling and hyun joong dear. >_<

jeez. what else to cut down?

lol.

i know, small fan girl on the loose.

yucks yucks yucks

2009-10-29T13:32:00.002+08:00

when i look at her, she amazes me.

when i look at her and look back at myself, i want to die.

simply because.

i am so.

wtf.

no wonder i never really gotten out of that deep big shit.

yucks yucks yucks yucks yucks.

i am and will be, alone.

2009-10-25T17:28:00.004+08:00

i happily did my xmas list.

but now i feel i don't need to anymore.

i feel a little left out.

really i do.

but then you don't care?

neither you really care for me.

that proves it.

i am all the while.

alone.

while i thought you were a friend.

where's my med?

2009-10-21T13:30:00.001+08:00

i need a huge dosage of peace, sleep and quality time all to myself.

give them to me, pretty please?

random thoughts on a blue monday

2009-10-19T11:46:00.002+08:00

there are days when you find yourself thinking whimsical nonsense, even when you are suppose to stay focus and work.

it happens very frequently to me.

at night before i sleep i think of work and some other weird little stuff.

in my dreams, or maybe i wasn't dreaming but in fact my brain is still thinking about those odd pieces and stuff.

it's so very exhausting you know.

i don't know what's call inner peace anymore.

i feel like i am being haunted by work. by life. by bills. by stress. by my blog.

not this blog. the other blog.

everything seems like it's a burden right now.

i had longed for the days when i am no longer being confined to the tiny town i am from, free to go as i will, free to do what i want.

but now, i just feel like being home 24/7. i don't need to meet people. i don't need to be tough or put on a mask. i am free just by being at home.

how i laugh at my stupidity. how i laugh at my silly longing that i had when i was 17.

i am free to do what i want. free to go where i want. but yet, i feel like i have been confined even more than ever.

confined by life. it's never ending work. it's never ending stress. it's never ending need for money.

maybe i am just whiny and all, but sometimes i really just don't want to be in this circle anymore. i have no peace at all.

i feel so tired, so angry, but so emotionless sometimes, till i don't even know what's crying like. or maybe i shed tears too easily now?

i guess, i never really wanted to grow up.

i want to be peter pan and live in NeverLand.

gloominess looms

2009-10-07T13:15:00.002+08:00

the sun isn't shining.

the birds aren't chirping.

the wind isn't blowing.

the flowers aren't blooming.

the sky is gloomy and grey.

the ocean waves are high.

it's a big disaster.

all right inside my head.

and heart.

me & u

2009-10-05T14:26:00.002+08:00

sometimes i do think.
about us.
we see each other almost everyday.
even the weekends.
the one person i see the most other than my colleagues and bosses is you.
is this even healthy?
i wonder.
do you get sick of seeing me?
i wonder.
do i get sick of seeing you?
i never thought of it, but i think i won't.
even if i don't see you for a bit, i don't miss you badly.
maybe if it's weeks and weeks.
and i get no calls/ sms/ msn/ email/ ym.
then i'll worry.
then i might miss you very very badly.
but you are not suppose to disappear unless i asked you to.
you got no right.
but i do.
i know.
i am a very very bad lady.

a time for everything

2009-09-23T18:22:00.002+08:00

there's so many things that i want to do. yet i never have enough time for them.

the books/ magazines i bought but haven't read.

the makeup/ skincare i bought but haven't play.

the places i went to but never said anything about.

the people i met but never talk about.

if i have 48hours a day, that won't quite do it either.

so, i guess, i need to set my life straight.

back to how it should be.

there's a time for everything.

i guess.

singapore tomorrow!

2009-09-18T12:58:00.001+08:00

i am off to singapore tomorrow.

kinda excited!

damn.

am hungry.

wtf.

i am so random.

update blog about singapore when i get back aye?

wtf.

my hanoi trip i also didn't update.

sorry pa

2009-09-08T14:43:00.004+08:00

sometimes i find myself in a bewilderment.

since when did he look so sad?

he was always so happy. so joyous (if that's the right word). so smiley face everyday.

but now, his shadow seem so sad.

when he turn his back, i see a lonely figure.

i dread looking at that.

i wonder if i should see him that often.

i feel sad. for him.

but i couldn't make him happier.

i am not the one.

i wish i am. but no. i am not.

sorry pa. i can't do much for you.

rainy monday

2009-09-01T10:07:00.002+08:00

there's those morning, when you get out of bed, feeling all crappy.

and it drizzled. cold wind blowing right at your face.

and told yourself.

gee, the day started bad huh?

and you tried to be positive.

30minutes at your desk, comes a phone call.

telling you something needs some fixing or you get it replaced.

bewilderment i am in.

i foresee september wouldn't be too peaceful, and i doubt i will be having the weekends to myself.

heck. quite some plans has been made for september's weekends.

jeez. i'll never get my room done in this pace.

i'll never have a quiet weekend to myself.

or time to even lock myself in the room. just do nothing there.

i want a long quiet vacation. just in my room.

thoughts are random

2009-08-24T18:07:00.002+08:00

because pariah 1 asked me, so here i am.

writing.

wtf.

i don't take commands.

she asked me.

was it?

msn.

you never know the tone of people's voice. or what they really think.

cyberspace killed all the little intimacy people have in between.

or not.

i think.

msn makes life easier.

and harder at the same time.

what happen if one day internet is gone.

computers are gone.

what happen to the human beings behind the computers.

karma. retribution.

2009-08-21T13:48:00.002+08:00

all of the sudden, i thought you two were still laughing and giggling over silly matters in the office.

and then it hit me.

pariah 2 no more there.

left only pariah 1.

so no wonder.

like pariah 1 said, the pariahs all pecah belah.

ain't gonna do translation.

since something mother f***ker pinky brain head said my translation was lousy.

duh of course.

compared to someone who has worked in the industry and claim to be so-the-bloody-good for like 1 decade, i am of course nothing but a piece of garbage and trash.

but i know better.

because i believe in karma and retribution.

serves you right.

pity the other party who did not hurt me, but since it's your most precious (maybe not, who knows?), i bloody do hope you stop bad mouthing people or put people down just to make yourself look good.

i really hate you to the core. i totally dislike you, just like how you dislike me.

double it up please on my side.

i wish one day you will find yourself surrounded by people who hates you and even your most precious thinks like that too.

Friends

2009-08-13T16:06:00.000+08:00

suddenly i realised those that had been close to me for like 2 years ago, all of a sudden disappeared into thin air.

we hardly talk to each other anymore. heck, no phone calls no sms no ym no msn. not even facebook.

i feel a little like, sad. i know i sound weird here, because i have always said friends come and go, and for each different stage in life,you meet new friends, and you hardly retain them.

for my case, this is so true for my primary/secondary school friends. i used to have a super close girl friend which we both love and hate each other as much (lol!) and we used to hang out with each other everyday. we used to chat long time on the phone and we did lotsa fun and weird things together, but now? we drifted apart.

different lifestyle. different uni. different thoughts.

but those were happy moments and i am glad i met firefly. :)

and while i was in uni, i had lotsa really different group of friends.

one was the bunch of people i share a room with and were more of the studious kind, no, they weren't nerds! they were fun and bubbly but homework and studies almost always come first kind. the 2nd bunch was people who were wilder and crazier which wree fun to hang out with, but god, it was hard to keep up the pace. they had a strong dislike for chinese-y slang i had (hello, i am a chinese?) and uh, they tend to judge people a wee bit more than normal? maybe just towards those who acted really ah lian or ah beng i don't know.

3rd bunch was my society friends. those that i know because of the societies I joined. well, ALL of them are a PAST TENSE now because some ridiculous thing they did and i will NEVER FORGIVE them. although i know my current bf through the same society. ah well, i don't refrain him from meeting them, it's his life his friends anyway. there's one guy whom i still keep in touch though. he's a really nice friend. very nice indeed.

4th bunch are those i still keep in touch with. tee hee. ladies whom i met in FOM. haha. crazy bunch and they never fail to amaze me. one will be leaving for UK soon. another to Japan. and the rest scattered all over malaysia.

and now i am working, i also keep in touch with a few ex colleagues. fun people i tell you. genuinely nice people who offer honest advice and help when i needed them. thanks girls.

but i wonder why, sometimes i feel so sad and lonely.

on a even sadder note, i so happen feel like buying those accessories online because it is so pretty and affordable too! but i am on a ban. house moving is really really a money sucker. T_T

Itsy Bitsy Hatred on Silly Pinky

2009-08-12T13:17:00.002+08:00

it's just funny, and a little sad when i think of what am i now.

just some weeks ago, someone asked me why wasn't i out on a saturday night. i told him i wanted some peace and quiet, and night life isn't quite my thing anymore. i rather stay at home, read a book, online, watch tv or just sleep early.

boring life, i heard you. but hm, i guess my age is catching up with me. haha.

oh well, i am pretty much an introvert right now and i enjoy being that.

that day pariah 1 (i know, horrible name) told me someone told her she's socially impaired just because she likes to stay home. I was like WTF!!!!!!! and after chit chatting, we both came to a conclusion, we both are socially impaired. yeah right, by their definition.

but i need to clarify here. just because i accept that statement of yours saying that we don't go out so we are socially impaired, it doesn't mean YOU are right.

hell no!

not at all! read my lips, bitch!

i chose to stay home for a lot of reasons. i don't need to tell you why but i have my reasons. another point is i do go out. please, ask pariah 1 for more details. she knows i attend events (ahem!) and i have lotsa social activities around.

and for pariah 1, it's the same for her! what are you to judge us and say we are socially impaired? PUH LEASE!

any adults with a common sense should understand that. and you call yourself a professional? HELLO? A professional judging people just like that? How silly! And may I add in you are behaving like a child?

Just because you like noises and can't stand of being alone, it doesn't mean everyone else is the same. I think you need some sort of theraphy with a psychiatrist or a psychologist to make sure you are mentally sane, because from the way i see it, you are kinda of a... nearly a wacko now?

i don't know. just my assumptions.

if you think you are almighty, please don't be sucha 2 face, will ya? Everyone knows how fake you are. Maybe some don't. But not that I care.

and honestly, you really don't deserve ANY respect or whatsoever from me. Not that I have given you any in the first place.

last piece from me, since you are so great, do you even need handover documents? You can easily do everything on your own since you are THAT GREAT!

punchline of the year: NOT EVERYBODY LEAVING MA!

bahahahaha! good one pariah 1!

random missing

2009-08-03T16:01:00.003+08:00

i am just so glad for buttercup aka roasted chicken wings aka p1 to be away from hellish hell soon.

even though it's like in 3 weeks time.

i am just happy for her.

though i may not be in the same company as her anymore, or seeing her like 5 days a week or meeting up as frequently as i would like to, but she's still one bubbly girl that i am glad to have met in some point on my life.

i wonder how's p2 doing.

i hope she's doing fine too. i miss our lil ym chat whenever we get scolded by you-know-who. well, not harry's you-know-who, but hm, maybe that person is a descendant of his? =_=

anyway. p1 and p2, p3 here miss you both!

7 days of break

2009-07-26T21:34:00.002+08:00

am back in KL, after being away for about 7 days.

almost a whole week back at home feels great.

no stress. no worries. no nothing. all i need to do is just be myself and keep myself and dad and sis happy. that's my job.

i brought back the lappie, but you know, i only had it on for 2 hours, and that's it. no more. for almost like a week I did not bother with my online identity or online life, which felt good in a way.

i watched telly and i played my HM: BTN like mad (am so impressed with myself!) and did some reading over the week. i even watched 4 Harry Potter's movie in like 1 sitting and I still haven't watched the 5th. I will need to find time. I honestly don't think spending 2 hours plus in the weekend watching movie is a good idea, weekends are never enough for me when I am working! seriously, a bunch of house chores I need to finish and not to mention my visits to the bookstores for my magazine fix and a little window shopping here and there :P

tomorrow's the 1st day of my new job. oh well, i just hope everything goes well and i will be able to stick to the job for a really really long time. tee hee. :)

weirdness

2009-06-25T15:42:00.003+08:00

we are all weird in our own way.

bubbles is weird.

buttercup is weird.

p2 is weird.

that bitch who think she's right every single time is.

and she is SUPER WEIRD.

who else.

everyone is weird.

if you say you are normal, well, you are weird.

different people look at things differently.

even if it's the same thing.

so yes. we are all weird.

It's Too Late...

2009-06-17T12:55:00.001+08:00

it's too late now.

for you to say those stuff.

if you had said so earlier, maybe...

i won't be acting this way.

but what's said and done, has been said and done.

you can't change what i think now.

the most you get is just a delay.

Cheer Up

2009-06-12T14:23:00.003+08:00

you know.

the truth hurts.

but i think i got over it.

or so it seems.

the sky is blue. yeah right, with the haze. right

and the sun is still shining bright. god damn bright it is.

why am i even upset?

cheer up like they say.

you'll find a better place.

praying hard. :)

ramblings on a blue monday

2009-06-08T10:59:00.002+08:00

it's funny how time passes. one thing goes after another, and it's another week already.

i can't understand why time flies. i'll never understand why.

even if i get up at 8am instead of 12pm, i sleep at 12am instead of 10pm, my chores and work and stuff are never gonna finish.

neverending.

don't tell me the day i die is the day i finish my work.

ohmygod. unbelievable. that can't be true.

i love the days where i don't need to worry bout money or my work. all i need to do is just play my part well. as a student. as a daughter. as a human being.

but now i have to put on extra roles. be the perfect employee. a good girlfriend (which i think i am). a friend. a colleague. in the distant future, a good wife and mother. i guess.

since when is life so complicated for me? the day i left my home? the day i graduated? or the day when i know i can no longer be what i used to be?

some part of what used to be me, left me. perhaps it's better this way. but i kinda miss that part of me. or maybe it got tired, and went to sleep. hoping some day, the owner will remember about them and wake them up from its slumber. but i guess, that day shall never come.

mondays are a bit of a blue day for me. everyone have that too, i suppose.

weekend comes and go. weekdays comes and go too.

what's left?

awaiting for payday. lol.

ironic.

that conflict

2009-05-26T13:10:00.002+08:00

sometimes i don't know if we know each other anymore.

i laugh at you because you acted silly and you talk silly.

and you then point your finger at me saying i gave you that silly idea.

and i point it back to you why didn't you use your brains in the first place.

and then you said if you never mentioned about the idea you wouldn't even have done it.

and i told you, why even bother having a brain if you don't use it to think for yourself.

yea.

the conflict that happened within me.

cheerios.

i am alive, dude!

2009-05-26T10:32:00.000+08:00

i'm not dead.

if you thought i am, then you are so wrong.

i am very much kicking and alive.

albeit down with a damn flu, cough and a voiceless throat.

say hello to me and i will just smile and wave my hands.

no voice to even say hello.

damn, how to answer phone calls?

jeez. can life be any harder than being sick and need to work like shiat each day?

sniffy eyed

2009-05-06T10:52:00.001+08:00

sniffy eyed and all ready to cry.

boo.

crybaby i am.

don't laugh at me.

one day you will cry too.

and i won't laugh at you.

ramblings of an insane half adult

2009-05-04T13:16:00.003+08:00

drats.

my long weekend, it felt like it was like any normal day.

hadn't got much rest either.

cleaned the family pc, i didn't play much of my games, i didn't sleep much, what else. hm.

i blogged. i took pictures.

energy draining.

i so wanna get back to my dad this weekend.

pray for me that i will. :)

and without that one person disturbing the mood.

ugh. 4 more days before Friday night hits the weekend.

god. i am such an aunty to be rambling.

am i ever going to singapore this month? huh? am i?

life's unfair, no?

2009-04-19T22:02:00.003+08:00

life's unfair.

i gotta admit it.

when people are so free but their pockets are so full of money.

and me working like shit just to get that damn paycheck by the end of the month.

i need to do up my new budgeting plan.

i wanna be rich!

yet not starve myself out of good shopping sessions!

Yay! I Wrote!

2009-04-16T16:34:00.002+08:00

shucks, apparently i left this blog for a good long while.

and i suppose no one bothered to know why.

lol.

damn obvious.

since it's always always always always... work related.

but anyway, that's the truth.

and nothing but the truth.

oh, add in a little bit of laziness, that'll give you the real reason why i am so lacking in updates!

busy days

2009-04-08T13:30:00.002+08:00

everyday has been a busy day for me.

right from the first step i walk into the office each morning.

my chair isn't even warmed up, and they go calling out my name at the very loudest.

i am not even awake from sleep yet.

i am THAT blur.

internet connection is being controlled.

hence not much net activity.

daily work is a killer and time goes by so quickly i barely notice it's already 6pm most of the time :)

oh well, better be busy than lazy i guess.

i miss the pariahs.

the cerulean skies

2009-03-12T16:33:00.002+08:00

i ditch the blog.

bad?

maybe.

just to say a few words.

"we ran with the wind,

while our laughter echoed under the cerulean skies."

ah.

life's blissful when you are happy, ain't it?

I Did Not!

2009-02-28T11:28:00.002+08:00

i did not ditch this blog.

and i don't have that intention too.

it's my other blog that took pretty much away from my time. :P

life has been okay.

with all the work done, i feel much more at ease. :)

i hope i don't need to go crazy anymore.

god, if you are listening, please grant me that wish.

I'm A Survivor!

2009-02-23T00:21:00.002+08:00

i'm glad i survived the horrendous week.

maybe i'm a survivor?

another one more crazy week to go through.

wish me luck.

i need all the luck!

puzzled pieces

2009-02-14T18:06:00.001+08:00

i'm puzzled.

i'm lost.

i'm tired.

gimme a break.

stop. think. breathe.

holidays.

a McD moment

2009-02-11T11:26:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I left work early.

Waited in the mall for the bf to come pick me.

I was tired due to lack of sleep for a few weeks starting from Chinese New Year and I have got no mood for shopping. I went for a few rounds of cosmetic and skincare window shopping, trying to get something for myself, but the spirit wasn't there. :( Wonder what's wrong?

Anyway, I got so sick of walking and was a little hungry I walked down to McDonalds.

My favourite fast food chain. :D

I sat down at a not very quiet place which is located quite near the exit and can see people coming in and going out.

As I munch my Spicy Chicken McDeluxe, little thoughts flew by.

When I was small, I never had much chance to eat fast food. Fast food was not available in my little town, so the only way to eat it was during the time my family go on a holiday. :D

Usually it's during school breaks where my dad will take us back to Melaka as my grandmother is there. And if we go back to Melaka, we'd stop by in KL first. And that's the time my sisters and I can pester my dad to eat McD, a luxury we don't get often.

We used to have only a sundae cone, which comes in vanilla chocolate flavour. It was known as the Sundae Twist that time, or something like that. People from my age from slightly older would know about this. Sadly, it has been discontinued and replaced by the too bloody sweet Choco Top and the new version of Flavour Twist. :( Why they have to discontinued it?

We hardly get any burgers or anything like that as eating fast food for a family of 5 is rather expensive. And my parents aren't the kind who enjoy much fast food at that time. But now, my dad always bring us to McD whenever we are on our way home to my hometown. Either he's enjoying McD, or he knows we kids love McD. :P

As I grow older, I had more McDs. When I stepped into university, McD was a favourite hang out place, be it with coursemates, friends I knew in the society's I joined or friends. :D The late nights chatting away... Those were the days. :)

McD is still a firm favourite of mine. But something is missing. I just feel weird. I don't know how to explain it, but I have this weird feeling of McD being better in the past. Maybe I have eaten too much McD till all sense of excitement is lost, unlike when I was a kid.

Maybe. Just maybe.

But I still love my McD. :D

addicted: warm smile

2009-02-05T18:10:00.004+08:00

ah. i am going nuts.

shit.

addicted.

die.

and daddy say you should never get addicted.

omg.

this is crazy.

addicted to his smile.

no. definitely not the bf's smile.

muahahahaha.

cutest boys on earth!

Addiction: Boys Before Flowers

2009-02-04T12:51:00.002+08:00

when you get all dreamy eyed and start to day dream even when you are at work, you know it, something's in your head and it's driving you mad.

it might be someone you like, or something good happened, or maybe you are addicted to something and you can't get rid of it.

trust me, i've gone through quite a bit of the addiction part. LOL.

i thought i was way past the stage of drooling over pretty boys and going nutty over dramas or movies or even animes. i thought i could just watch and then forget who acted in it and forget about the story. i even thought i won't be drooling over and going gaga over pretty boys.

but alas, i never went past that stage. i am still stuck there.

yeap! i have watching lesser and lesser dramas/movies/animes because I am now working and hardly have much time. i can be watching a few episodes of it and then continue downloading it but never watch what i missed out until after a long long while.

but then, Hana Yori Dango, one of my favourite drama, both Taiwan and Japanese version, has been produced once again in Korea! Ah! Delightful! It's called Boys Before Flowers :)

The boys are pretty good looking! I like Lee Min Ho and Kim Hyun Joong! Both of them are just so cute! In their own ways! :D Ah, Kim Bum is quite cute too! :D

Ah, and it's this drama that lead me into the spiral of drooling over pretty boys and waiting anxiously each week just for that 2 episodes of drama again. T_T I am so pathetic and sad right? Le sigh.

but it's fun watching, though it's very different from the original manga and the other 2 series, but still, it's quite nice in it's own way.

ah! cannot wait for episode 11 and 12 next week!

eye candy to share! :D

Left to right:

Kim Joon as Song Woo Bin aka Mimasaka Akira
Kim Bum as So Yi Jung aka Nishikado Sojiro -> a gentleman!
Lee Min Ho as Goo Joon Pyo aka Domyoji Tsukasa -> such a darling!
Koo Hye Sun as Geum Jan Di aka Makino Tsukushi
Kim Hyun Joong as Yoon Ji Hoo aka Hanazawa Rui -> love his smile!

And yes, the OST is quite nice too! Loving them!

Ah! I am a fan girl now! ^_^

Back On The Field!

2009-02-03T12:18:00.003+08:00

Holidays make me go lazy.

Way lazier than I used to be.

I am already quite lazy to begin with, and now it's even worse.

You might feel that I am rather proud of my laziness, but I tell you, I'm not really that proud of it. :)

I just feel that I should state my laziness before "disappointing" anyone of you who thinks the other way round. Tee hee. I have my fair share of people thinking I am the too hardworking kind. That's a LOL moment for me, really!

But even so, I do take my work seriously. And I try my best to do it well. Though I am lazy, if I need to get the work done, I will do so. But I am not going to do extra just because you all think I should, because I think that you don't deserve the extra help from me.

The extra help ALWAYS goes unappreciated, or people start talking nonsense about how I am a shoe licker, trying to be hardworking and what shit. I have enough of those. I just want to do my part well and if you really need help, I will be there, but of course, it still depends on how you have treated me and have you ever cared about how I feel and bla bla bla.

Anyway, I'm back in the office and my crazy schedule is kicking off anytime from now. Best of luck to me and all of you in this new year!

May the laziest people be the most hardworking this year!

Happy CNY!

2009-01-22T11:47:00.002+08:00

It's been so long since I posted anything here. I've been busy. Trying to get a media event run, but in the end got postponed. >_< I so hate that. And I need to do everything again! Ah! I hate it!

And then CNY kicks in. Cleaning, washing, packing, throwing... It's so tiring, okay? And I've been working late these couple of weeks, plus crazy schedules during the weekends, I seriously have got no idea how I live through it, now that I think back. I suppose when things happen you will know what to do.

Anyway, I'll be gone from 6pm SHARP tonight and will be missing in action for quite a bit before I return to work in February.

Might be updating occasionally, but I highly doubt so. I need my beauty sleep!

Back to work! Need to clear those reports before 6pm today!

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

Gong Xi Fa Cai yo!

The Life That I Want

2009-01-07T20:49:00.000+08:00

When I sit down quietly and think what I want in life, it wasn't the same as what I wanted 10 years back.

10 years ago, I wanted to be a doctor. Or a lawyer.

I wanted to be rich. Famous. Talented. Well respected. Well known. Have an exciting social life. With lots of cool friends. Married to the hottest boy. Have a really pretty daughter. And bring her up well. Just like her mother. Tee hee.

And now?

I am not a doctor or a lawyer. I ditched that in order to study design, and somehow ended up studying management and now, working in a PR firm.

I am not rich. Neither famous. Neither talented. Neither well respected. Neither well known. Neither I have an exciting social life with lots of cool friends.

I'm not married. Not at the moment. And even if I did got married, the boy I'm gonna be with isn't the hottest boy. And having a really pretty daughter? Let me get married first. Heh.

And what I really want now is nothing more than a peaceful life. I don't want any freaking politics around me. I don't want hypocrisy. It's good if I'm rich and everything, but then again, as long as I am living comfortably, that's enough.

I am quite an anti-social girl now. I don't like to go out as much as I thought I would. I make faces whenever I am asked to go out for some certain gatherings. I kinda like the comfy-ness of being at home. Watching TV. Jamming my console. Sleep. Online. Anything. I feel so free at heart being just at home.

I kinda crave for the peaceful life that my little town offers. The people there may not be genuine either, but being there I have a less stressful life. The traffic is okay, the air is good, what is lacking is entertainment. No shopping malls. But a drive to KL is not really that far, so I can go do my shopping whenever I want to!

I like my life to be carefree. I can't be bothered too much with crazy stuff. To me, it's past my age. But then, I am not as old as you all may think. Hehe :P

My New Year resolution is relatively simple, but kinda hard to achieve.

I just want to have a peaceful, stress free life. I don't want to work anymore. It's just... sucking everything out of me.

The life that I want, is a life that is happy and free.

Does It Matter?

2009-01-06T11:36:00.000+08:00

Today's the 6th day in 2009.

I had a short holiday in Sabah, and that's about it. Bloody boring. Can't do much visiting due to time constraint. And I sat in the car for almost 2 hours, going to Semporna only to find out, the shops are closed for the holidays!

Gah!

Oh well. It doesn't matter now, does it? Since I am back in KL.

Yesterday was pretty amusing. I received such a random comment for a 2007 post I wrote. Click here if you want to know what I wrote. *Click!*

Anonymous said...

hello, I've been reading a lot of your posts and I'm just wondering what your first language is? I believe you mentioned that Chinese isn't your first language... but your English isn't exactly top notch either. I'm pretty sure you're going to be offended judging by your posts... so I apologize in advance and hope you don't take this too hard. I'm just curious.

3:11 PM

And here's my brilliant reply. Okay, not very brilliant actually, but then again, why do I always need to justify what I say and do? Can't people just leave other people alone? It's not a matter of life and death anyway.

心。葵 @ plue said...

Hello Anonymous,

I'm not offended. Ha!

Chinese and English are both my first language. I use both language at home when I speak to different family members, because my parents don't understand Chinese.

I know my English isn't exactly good, but I suppose even if English is the ONLY language I speak, I don't think it necessarily means I have good English, is it?

Anyway, if my first language matters when I write my blog, I think I would be better off being an author than a blogger.

A blog is for me to write what I please, in any way I please. That is why I don't bother much with grammars and whatever is related.

Thanks for the curiosity, and I hope this satisfies it?
3:23 PM

If Chinese is my first language, does it mean my Chinese must be perfect? If English is my first language, does it mean it must be perfect? So do you say the Europeans/ Americans and those who come from English speaking countries, have top notch English? Yeah, they have better English than me, like I care. As long as I am able to express what I think and feel, isn't it more than enough? I don't think my grammar is that bad, but I do make mistakes. Hey, this isn't an exam where I am being marked or judged!

It's good if you don't make grammar mistakes and have really good English, in fact it's a plus point in life! It's totally cool to have perfect language skills, but uh, how many people achieve it anyway?

To say I am completely not offended is WRONG.

Since you have already predicted that I would be offended, why didn't you craft your words better? People can be so weird. :P

Anyway, since you are anonymous, I don't think you would be back here reading anyway. Oh well. I'm not bothered.

I think I should post up my New Year resolution, whether I keep it or not :P

笨女人呀笨女人

2008-12-22T16:30:00.002+08:00

你认为，朋友的多和少，是因为我的态度吗？

你认为，你身边的朋友，是你真正的朋友吗？

你认为，我口中说没有朋友，真的代表我没有朋友吗？

你认为，你所知道的，一切都是事实吗？

是真是假，老实说，你凭什么给我评论？

是真是假，老实说，我需要向你交待吗？

真搞不懂，你就真的认为你了解我，你认识我吗？

你就可以这样随便下定论，抹黑我吗？

拜托！

还没看过像你这样又笨又任性的笨女人！

你朋友多得很，或许他们对你并不是真心。

真心，也可以演出来。

我看过也见识过双面人，虽然我还很年轻。

我的朋友少，少得可怜，因为我宁可相信好的朋友不需要多，一个就够了。

太贪心，太多朋友，我无暇照顾每一个人的感受。

i honour quality much more than quantity.

如果你看得明白，应该还不会太笨。

不过也算了，笨女人，狭隘的心，看你啊，永远都不明白我了。

笨女人呀笨女人。。。

只有笨女人才会自以为是呀。。。

not easy being alive

2008-12-21T14:41:00.002+08:00

it's not easy

to die

it's even harder

to just be alive

i want to not care about what you said

and what you do

but i can't

for i care too much

suffocating.

praying that you just leave me alone

and leave me in peace.

the glow of a star

2008-12-15T18:18:00.002+08:00

i wish i had the glow of a star

the glow that would attract him

even though it means nothing but a dream

i am getting a little crazier each day

to want something which i know i'll never have

because he is never real in the first place

and even if he's real

he's out of my reach

so in dreams we shall meet

Sleepaholic

2008-12-15T14:42:00.002+08:00

the only thing that allows me to keep my sanity

is my dreams

i can be anything i want

be with whoever i want

do whatever i want

and yet not feel afraid

that is the dream i own and love

and that explains why am i such a crazy sleepaholic

if only

2008-12-10T09:43:00.001+08:00

if only the dreams were true.

if only fantasies were real.

if only you were real.

how i would give everything to you.

sigh.

owning myself

2008-12-04T12:28:00.001+08:00

i am a pure emotional wreck right now.

i want nothing more than a good cry.

a good, long holiday break.

a peaceful time which i can call my own.

i just need myself.

a myself which i own.

It's Painful To Forget

2008-11-28T21:51:00.002+08:00

i can't imagine the days

if you are gone

i'd be so lost

no one to hold my hands

no one to call me silly

no one to call me funny names

you were there since that very day

and if you were gone

i'd be so lost

i cry and shiver each time i think of the day when my dad finally sleeps and never to wake up again.

i still do now.

it's painful to let go.

it's even more painful to forget.

i won't forget you, daddy.

i never will.

it's painful to forget.

ugh.

2008-11-20T13:34:00.002+08:00

it's so unfair.

that i have to be so miserable.

i know i can choose not to be.

but it's never as easy like what you say.

if it was, i think everyone's happy in the world?

i continue to be unhappy.

miserable.

sad.

ugh.

Hating You

2008-11-17T11:46:00.002+08:00

i really really hate you now.

i hated you.

and i thought i don't anymore.

i thought i can deal with it.

i thought i can just let it go.

i thought i can just forgive.

hooboy, am i so wrong.

i am hating you more and more with every single passing minute.

wait, make that second.

yes.

i hate you.

moving on... soon.

It's My Birthday!

2008-11-13T13:32:00.000+08:00

Finally, after all those nerve wrecking moment, I am done with my performance appraisal.

The greatest relief in my entire life! Apart from those moments where I am waiting for exam results :P

Anyway, everything's good.

I mean the comments were fair, though I think they have a little misconception here and there, but I do understand that no one's perfect. I make the same mistake like they do too. :)

No one's perfect, I have my flaws and of course, my plus points too. :) I'm really glad I am doing okay. And most important, throughout the 5 months I have been with them, I have improved. I don't know till what degree, but an improvement is an improvement right?

All I need to do now is fix the problems that I have.

I want to go far. I don't want to stay in the same spot forever.

At least my lady principal thinks I'm intelligent and needs just some good tweaking on my problematic side and I will be fine.

Thank god!

Officially done!

And now I can resume to blogging state :P

Thank you everyone for your concern on my performance appraisal, and of course to all who wished me a Happy Birthday! Special thanks to Connie, who sent me an early birthday surprise! ^_^ Love ya girl!

Don't fret for those who haven't, you have time till midnight before it's over! LOL!

Happy birthday to myself!

drowning

2008-11-12T10:58:00.003+08:00

you make me feel disgusted.

i so want to just turn a blind eye on you but i can't.

your insincerity.

your phoniness.

your everything.

i so hate it.

you are drowning me in your hypocritic ways.

i am just so disgusted.

I'm Irritated

2008-11-09T16:18:00.003+08:00

i'm really irritated.

spent my whole morning and noon and right now with my work.

yeah. the pre-meeting updates, the media profiles and of course, the infamous self assessment which will be used for the review later this week.

i feel like as though work has taken over my life.

where weekends don't belong to me anymore.

where after 6pm don't belong to me anymore.

where my beauty sleep don't belong to me anymore.

all i think of is work.

i think i think i think.

you ask me to chill and relax, but i find it so hard to do so.

it's stressful enough just to think what would the bosses say if your work is not good enough, or you think you did well enough but the bosses don't think so.

stressful.

it's a stage where i am at right now.

i yearn for holidays.

i yearn for long breaks.

just to catch my breathe.

Why Am I Working At 4.35 am?

2008-11-09T04:39:00.002+08:00

i am up at 4.35 am.

can't sleep.

stressed out maybe.

i have my performance review this week.

meeting on tuesday.

my birthday is soon.

and there's quite a bit of work to work on.

i just wish the next weekend i don't need to bring home my work.

it's bad for my mood and the weekend. >_<